Shinjuku;; oh how I must study at Waseda.

I have no words.

I want to go.
I must go.

I must.
I must.
I.
MUST.

トゥルー・ラヴ

I can't even count how many times everyone seems to tell me to get my head out of the clouds and come down to reality. But if I were to spend all day in reality, I'd never be happy. I like being happy.
Some day, I'll master the japanese language.
Masuda gives me a reason to smile.

I've got a list going of reasons why I should be happy everyday.

♪ I've got my uchiwas. Massu and Keii-chan both.
♪ I've got a new car, since I totaled my other one. :/
♪ I will one day visit Keii-chan's mother's ramen shop.
♪ Ohio State is coming soon.
♪ I'm not hiding who I am anymore.
♪ Toni. :)
♪ I have people who care about me very much
♪ I WILL SEE NEWS IN CONCERT. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.
♪ I have over $50 worth of change thanks to the Mocha House.
♪ I feel fairly confident, that Massu is meant for me.

There's so many more.
Maybe I'm being silly...maybe I'm being insane...immature...but I'm not sure I care. All the signs are there, I just need to keep trucking on, keep believing, aim for the stars.

I can't help it.
Every time I look into his eyes...hear his voice through song...watch a video of him...I just feel...like it's not a dream, that it could be reality.
Then I think to myself, who am I kidding?
Supposedly Takahisa has dated Keiko Kitagawa, and I'm nothing compared to her. She's gorgeous and talented and thin. x.x
I don't know. Massu is so close...but I have so much competition. and okay, so I go study abroad in Tokyo or Osaka, there's no guarantee I'd meet him. Sure, I know where he likes to hang out, and I know where to find Mrs. Koyama's ramen shop, but okay so, what's the odds?
Like, 1 in a million.
But, I'm going to keep going forward, and if it's meant to happen, then it's meant to happen.
My dad even said that the other day.
"Sarah, I know in my heart, you will go to Japan." then he went on about how he wants to come too, which is weird cause I never though of him as being interested in that kind of thing.
Everyone looks at me strange enough as it is.
I have no one to fangirl with. Marquesse doesn't count, because he doesn't listen to News...he listens to Crystal Kay and Chemistry and sometimes Kakjani8 or Utada Hikaru. and he knows very little about Yamapi...just thinks he's hot. -__-

It sucks.

I went into a mini state of depression last week over it. Like, I was just sitting here, watching News videos, and then started crying, because I was so lonely. I hate loving something that no one else does. I mean, I have my fangirls, Kusano and Isa, but like...what's the use? They're my girls, but they both live so far. and I can only be my real self when I'm talking to them. It's like, I feel good. Feel better. Feel like nothing can go wrong, and it's okay for me to squeal and be stupid and talk about KO-One or Rescue or Kurosagi and not feel stupid, or immature.

This is getting really long.
I suppose I should go lay down, my headache is back.
I've been having them off and on since the accident.
And I miss my 97 taurus alot.
I loved that car. :/


P.S.
What I would give to hear Massu sing me to sleep at night...oh my gosh. <3

I find it funny how I can see myself with him.
Visually in my mind SEE us sitting in that one cafe above the shibuya crossing, staring out the window talking, learning about one another.

Not that I don't know plenty already.

I know that he'd like for someone to notice when he cuts his hair, which I could do. I notice small changes in people's appearances...though it may take me a minute, I'd be able to look at him a day after he cut his hair and say: "you cut your hair, ne?" and have him flash that gorgeous smile.

Such is the life of someone who spends too much time fantasizing, and not enough time in the real world. Don't get me wrong of course.
Things have been better between Bryan and I. He's decided not to drink and drive ever again, telling me that "it's caused (him) nothing but problems."

This made me very happy.

I think that maybe part of the reason I stay with him, is because he's my comfort zone. I can't just throw my comfort zone out of my life, you know?

Life is just funny like this I suppose.
I'm not entirely sure what it is I want at the moment. All I know is that I'm fairly content with life at the present moment, and even though part of my heart longs for someone I may never meet, I'm okay with that. Because my heart also longs for someone who is most definitely within reach...which is something I haven't been able to say since a year ago.