From the seed, comes the flower...

It's so funny how things manage to play out. It's like, you start with one thing, and you think "okay, I know what I'm going to turn this into." and you work, and work, and then you realize, it's not becoming what you wanted it to be. So, you get a little frustrated, maybe even stop working for a little while...then, one day, you start working at it again.

As you work, you realize, that that thing that you had imagined suddenly seems insignificant, and instead, you're getting something better than what you had envisioned in the first place.

That's kind of like life.

You make plans, and work towards them, then they start not becoming what you want them to be...so you put them off. Then, at some point, they start coming together, and end up being even better plans than you had in the first place.

I thought I had what I wanted all figured out, but I think I was aiming for something above and beyond, and not realizing that what I wanted, was right in front of me. Sure, going to Ohio State would be nice...but my plans have become a little off track...and so, they changed. Now, they've become something even better, and I'm looking forward to the good things they will bring.

2010 has started to off to be a great year, and I cannot wait to see what else it will bring.

がんばれます ♥

Sweet Songs, Oh How I Cherish Thee...

I've been listening to lots of piano music lately. For all of the exciting things that I have to look forward to, it seems like lately I feel so sad. I don't understand it.

In 4 days, I'll be on my way to New York City with Bryan, Rachel and Marquesse and yet, I don't feel as excited as I think I should. In fact, I'm not that excited at all. I think I will be once I actually get there, or at least leave. Part of me feels like maybe I'm not excited because I've had my hopes held high for things before, and it never happened. Even though the hotel is booked, it doesn't feel REAL. We'll see what happens.

I can tell you that I am excited for Ida to come here. I can't wait to show her all of the wonderful things we have here, even if my city is not that nice itself, the stuff around here is amazing. Plus I've never had anyone stay at my house for a week before. I bet it'll be awesome. It'd just suck if we didn't get along as well in person as we do online, but I don't think that'll be a problem. We're so alike in so many ways...it honestly does feel like she's the sister I never had. It's so crazy that we've grown so close in what feels like a short time...but I guess it hasn't been so short. I mean, I've known her for over a year now. That, is the insane part.

Aside from all of that, I've been trying to stay busy. Not working kind of sucks...and I know my paychecks that I'll be getting friday and saturday are not going to be good. But, what can I do? At least my new credit card has 0% interest for the next 6 months. So, that's one less thing I need to worry about.

As usual, my mom has been freaking out about this New York trip. I can't really blame her...I am irresponsible sometimes...and I don't always think things through, or think before I speak. I like to think that there is no filter between my brain and my mouth...which there really isn't. Stuff often sounds much better in my head than it does coming out of my mouth.

At any rate, it's 1:30 in the morning...and Cassie has informed me that our carrot cake has finished baking. I have a feeling it will be gone by dawn.

Shinjuku;; oh how I must study at Waseda.

I have no words.

I want to go.
I must go.

I must.
I must.
I.
MUST.

トゥルー・ラヴ

I can't even count how many times everyone seems to tell me to get my head out of the clouds and come down to reality. But if I were to spend all day in reality, I'd never be happy. I like being happy.
Some day, I'll master the japanese language.
Masuda gives me a reason to smile.

I've got a list going of reasons why I should be happy everyday.

♪ I've got my uchiwas. Massu and Keii-chan both.
♪ I've got a new car, since I totaled my other one. :/
♪ I will one day visit Keii-chan's mother's ramen shop.
♪ Ohio State is coming soon.
♪ I'm not hiding who I am anymore.
♪ Toni. :)
♪ I have people who care about me very much
♪ I WILL SEE NEWS IN CONCERT. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.
♪ I have over $50 worth of change thanks to the Mocha House.
♪ I feel fairly confident, that Massu is meant for me.

There's so many more.
Maybe I'm being silly...maybe I'm being insane...immature...but I'm not sure I care. All the signs are there, I just need to keep trucking on, keep believing, aim for the stars.

I can't help it.
Every time I look into his eyes...hear his voice through song...watch a video of him...I just feel...like it's not a dream, that it could be reality.
Then I think to myself, who am I kidding?
Supposedly Takahisa has dated Keiko Kitagawa, and I'm nothing compared to her. She's gorgeous and talented and thin. x.x
I don't know. Massu is so close...but I have so much competition. and okay, so I go study abroad in Tokyo or Osaka, there's no guarantee I'd meet him. Sure, I know where he likes to hang out, and I know where to find Mrs. Koyama's ramen shop, but okay so, what's the odds?
Like, 1 in a million.
But, I'm going to keep going forward, and if it's meant to happen, then it's meant to happen.
My dad even said that the other day.
"Sarah, I know in my heart, you will go to Japan." then he went on about how he wants to come too, which is weird cause I never though of him as being interested in that kind of thing.
Everyone looks at me strange enough as it is.
I have no one to fangirl with. Marquesse doesn't count, because he doesn't listen to News...he listens to Crystal Kay and Chemistry and sometimes Kakjani8 or Utada Hikaru. and he knows very little about Yamapi...just thinks he's hot. -__-

It sucks.

I went into a mini state of depression last week over it. Like, I was just sitting here, watching News videos, and then started crying, because I was so lonely. I hate loving something that no one else does. I mean, I have my fangirls, Kusano and Isa, but like...what's the use? They're my girls, but they both live so far. and I can only be my real self when I'm talking to them. It's like, I feel good. Feel better. Feel like nothing can go wrong, and it's okay for me to squeal and be stupid and talk about KO-One or Rescue or Kurosagi and not feel stupid, or immature.

This is getting really long.
I suppose I should go lay down, my headache is back.
I've been having them off and on since the accident.
And I miss my 97 taurus alot.
I loved that car. :/


P.S.
What I would give to hear Massu sing me to sleep at night...oh my gosh. <3

I find it funny how I can see myself with him.
Visually in my mind SEE us sitting in that one cafe above the shibuya crossing, staring out the window talking, learning about one another.

Not that I don't know plenty already.

I know that he'd like for someone to notice when he cuts his hair, which I could do. I notice small changes in people's appearances...though it may take me a minute, I'd be able to look at him a day after he cut his hair and say: "you cut your hair, ne?" and have him flash that gorgeous smile.

Such is the life of someone who spends too much time fantasizing, and not enough time in the real world. Don't get me wrong of course.
Things have been better between Bryan and I. He's decided not to drink and drive ever again, telling me that "it's caused (him) nothing but problems."

This made me very happy.

I think that maybe part of the reason I stay with him, is because he's my comfort zone. I can't just throw my comfort zone out of my life, you know?

Life is just funny like this I suppose.
I'm not entirely sure what it is I want at the moment. All I know is that I'm fairly content with life at the present moment, and even though part of my heart longs for someone I may never meet, I'm okay with that. Because my heart also longs for someone who is most definitely within reach...which is something I haven't been able to say since a year ago.